Feb 23rd
Sunday

OK y’all. It’s drum roll time. 7 Days Detox Juice Diet (Jane did 4 days before attending a pre-booked girly weekend).

Before the results let me tell you this wasn’t easy. Far from it, but we’re all absolutely pleased as a chap who ordered a Big Mac and got a Double Big Mac with Bacon and Cheese by mistake. Properly chuffed. Thrilled to bits. Made up like. Over the moon. Thin as fuck. I mean I look like a wanker off TOWIE now with my one ab and some ribs that have been hiding for years, wearing my clothes from the dark end of the wardrobe that haven’t been on for 2 years. Jane, pass me that fake bake. I’m getting Umpa Lumpa’d tonight.

Willy-Wonka-oompa-loompa-attacks-man-virginia

We’ve been chatting and I may have made this blog sound like a God awful journey but you’ve got my thoughts as they happened really and it’s hard to be up when your feeling as you’d expect to feel on a Detox Diet. I’ve tried to make it a bit amusing and saying the juices are tasty and filling…..well that’s just bollux and you wouldn’t believe me. I didn’t set out to be a poster boy for John’s Detox so I tried to take the piss a bit. He asked me to give him updates which was an interesting distraction and allowed me to get my own back for all the beastings I’ve had in the gym. Being pleased with your cardboard food or your reduced fat milk shake or basically cheerful about any diet whilst doing it is just masochistic and likely untrue…..else you wouldn’t be a fatty. I didn’t enjoy it but it got better. It didn’t get easier but after 4 days the end was in sight so it did finish. Saying that and to be fair and not give too much bias, I hate all fuckin’ diets with a passion. I was thin (but thought I should lose a lb or 2) before I started dieting. Atkins, Hollywood, Cabbage, Low Carb…..I’ve messed about with all of them. But in this case the effect cannot be discounted. Overall, and remember that hindsight is 20/20, it’s been well worth it and I would not hesitate to recommend it to anyone who is definite and determined about wanting to lose some weight quickly. Whatever the reason, be it an Upcoming Wedding, Just popped out a sproglet or two, Going to the club where you boyfriend’s ex is likely to be, School Reunion, Bar Mitzvah, Christening or just looking to wave bye bye to some of those Custard slices (genuinely my one weakness) then this diet works!!!! Whatever your shape/sex/age as our demographic shows :-

  • Jane is my 21 (ahem) year old wife. She’s relatively fit (and I mean PHIT) :-) She’s about 5′ 7″ in her 40′s and she dropped 11lbs in 4 days!!!!!!
  • I’m a catch in anyone’s book. 45 year old beer bellied, eat all the wrong food at the wrong time of day, 6′ DemiGod. Knackered knees, shoulder and elbow but other than that, I’m a keeper. I lost 1 stone 2lbs in 7 days.
  • Ross is a 32 year old vertically challenged wing man (and he’s on the market ladies) :-) He’s fitter than most and has a great taste in mates. He lost 1 stone 3lbs (the jammy bastard) in 7 days.

 

Some upside to all this. Food tastes amazing #fact. When was the last time you really savored whatever you were putting in your mouth (stop it girls, I’m talking about food here) :-) Coffee is 4.2 million times better than boiled water with a slice of Lemon which is 200 times better than boiled water on it’s own. I am looking forward to my meals now that I wont just graze and eat shit all day without noticing. This diet really shows you the habits you’ve gotten into over time. I must visit the biscuit barrel 5 times a day. I know this coz I kept going then realizing that I am on a friggin’ detox diet……… pesky Custard Creams are my one weakness so it’s not like its my fault. And usually I’ll pick up 6, think, whoa big fella you’re on a diet so drop 2 back and only eat 4 (on that visit!!!!!). Then when I’ve been to the gym I’ll probably get another 3 or 4 coz I’ve earned them! And dont get me started on Beer. Becks is another of my one weaknesses. And when I get 6 I never send 2 back to the bar…..they’re not Custard Creams after all. And I’d eat Tesco’s finest Ceaser salads coz I’m tryna lose weight. But I’d have to have 2 coz they didn’t fill me up…..and a ham butty coz ham butties are fit with a cup of tea and 2 sugars!

I’ve just finished my first meal in a week. I could taste everything. It was one of the nicest meals I can remember for a long time. And it was a salad!

Hot Vietnamese Salad

Some Key Lessons Learned :-

  1. This is tough. You need to be committed. Take a week to work up to starting it just to mentally prepare yourself.
  2. Tell everyone you’re doing it. Peer pressure is an amazing motivator if you’re that way inclined.
  3. Get your partner or mate (or both in my case) to do it with you. It’s friggin’ horrible watching other people eat whilst you slurp on you’re 3rd juice of the day.
  4. Like quitting smoking, set the date and then commit.
  5. Know why you’re doing it. Remind yourself often. John will send lots of motivational texts and check in on you 3 or 4 times a day.
  6. Exercise but be realistic. We suffered trying to push at our usual pace. You will struggle for energy. Accept it and go where the diet takes you. If you need a kip, get a blanket and have a kip.
  7. Water is your friend. It bulks the juices and keeps you feeling full. Although you too will piss like a bull elephant.
  8. If you can, take time off work/other commitments. Concentration and energy comes in peaks and troughs. You will get stressed and short tempered. Ross is one narky fucka when he’s peckish…..trust me.
  9. You will sleep like a baby. Like I said earlier in the blog, I usually get by on 4-6 hours kip. I’ve been having 10 hours straight. Getting up at 4 tomorrow morning is gonna be tough.
  10. Weigh-in but don’t weigh again until the end. John made us do this and I didn’t understand why. I thought he was just being controlling but it helped that I couldn’t check my progress and come the end I was grinning like the school kid with the biggest dick in the showers when I saw those numbers!
  11. Be it 3 days or 7 days it’s only 3 days or 7 days. You won’t die. It will end. And you will be chuffed with the results.

 

So the final stats are :-

 

Laurel Leaves

(After 7 Days Detox Juice Diet)

Ross Lost
Weight 1 Stone 3Lb’s
Chest - 4.5cm (1.7”)
Waist - 10.5cm (4.1”)
Bicep + 1.5cm (0.5”)
Thigh + .5cm (Bugger All)

 

Gavin Lost
Weight 1 Stone 2Lb’s
Chest - 4.25cm (1.6”)
Waist - 9cm  (3.5”)
Bicep No Change (still fuckin’ massive)
Thigh - 3.5cm (1.3”)

 

(After 4 Days Detox Juice Diet)

Jane Lost
Weight 11Lb’s
Chest - 4.5cm (1.7”)
Waist - 7.5cm (3”)
Bicep - 3.25cm (1.2”)
Thigh No Change

 

That’s if from me for now. We’re monitoring ourselves for this next week then may work with John to develop a follow on program. It won’t involve juices now we’ve detox’d but he’s putting together a maintenance plan for us and I may blog about that in the future. Or I may just get pissed on 2 pints of Becks. It’s been tough, but well worth it. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading about it. Hand on heart I didn’t cheat once and I am really proud of that. Fuck me it was hard sometimes though :-)

Toodle pip fatties. I off to hang with the cool kids who have an ab!

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