Feb 20th

Ok so a lazy day out of necessity. Still totally exhausted from the bike ride yesterday so a relax in front of the tv. The kind of day off you think you’ll have when you plan a week off work but then you fill your time with stuff and then wonder where the week went. We watched Riddick. DO NOT WATCH RIDDICK on your day off…..it’s 90 minutes of your life you’ll never get back. Just saying.

Ross walked the dog – 5 miles. Felt like a marathon he says (he doesn’t know. He doesn’t run marathons…..that’s why he’s fat. Well that and Chips and Pizza). Admit One Ticket (Light Blue)I felt ok tonight so I went to Bootcamp with @stt_bootcamp and as a guinea pig for this detox juice diet I was expecting a bit of a free ride. What with having fuck all energy and all. Turns out that was a bust – no free ride for specimen number 1. Normal full on circuit training. But weirdly enough I feel absolutely fine now. I was low on energy when the class was going on but not that far off the pace. More mental I reckon. And I got lots of wolf whistles when I walked in……lots of “Wow you’ve lost weight off your face” which is a ball acher coz I wasn’t arsed about having a fat face. They noticed I was underwhelmed and all started with “ooh haven’t you lost loads off your belly” which was nice. Too little too late if you ask me. Fuckaz. But I was enjoying my 15 seconds in the limelight as it meant he was starting the session late…..then Jane arrived and she took all the ooohs and ahhhhs. Skinny Bitch.

Anyway, about this detox. You get to piss a lot you know. I mean I could wear a catheter and it could dribble out like a leaky tap. Hardly any dump which is annoying as hell coz my Candy Crush score is really suffering. I liked to spend a good 40 minutes backing out a scud missile or two whilst eBaying or getting another level on Candy Crush. I’m over level 500 so you get the picture. And it has been remarked that I hardly ever guff now. Again that is annoying because everyone used to be pissed off when I did guff and now they all miss it. Fart Hypocrites.

Pepe le pew






I’m sure once I get back on solid food I shall be cracking out some whoppaz once more. Hmmmm Whoppaz – by far the best burger. You know that whole BK vs McDonalds has always bugged me. Maccies do the best fries, no questions but BK does the best burgers. BK burgers are my one weakness so I should know……I’ve researched the issue thoroughly.

Anyway, days to do are getting few as we used to say in the army. 4 Days done, 3 to go before a big fat scran at the Sparrowhawk on Sunday night. I already know what I am having. I fuckin dream about this. Ross is going for a steak. Predictable as ever. I am having Hot Vietnamese king prawn and rice noodle salad with mint, coriander, chilli and lime dressing. I can taste it already. It’s like waiting for Christmas this is.

3 Sleeps before a nice noodle salad. What the holy fuck has happened to me? Still, you eat crisps, pizza, kebabs, chips, lager and dont forget cakes and trifles (they’re my one weakness you know) and you have to pay the piper one day.

Ye know what really grinds my gears? Those people who say “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. Fuck off. Loads and loads tastes better than skinny feels. Knobheads! Now I gotta go drink a glass of tasty green stuff. After this one, 12 more to go.

Feb 20th

Jane’s last day today. She has been absolutely ACE. She set out to do the 3 day detox to support me but she’s volunteered for the 4th day – I don’t know how she does it but she just cracks on as if we’re not doing a juice diet. She’s my hero. And she tells me my belly’s gone flatter. I have an AB ladies and gentlemen. A whole fuckin AB. My belly is like a washboard.

reality_big_brother_darryns_abs_2 reality_big_brother_darryns_abs


So today I am almost apoplectic. John has gone overboard and added colouring (and i do hope flavouring) to some of the detox potions. Day 4 sees the arrive of Mr Purple. It looks like red win to me, which as you all know is my one weakness. So I am gonna gorge myself mid morning.


So as today is Jane’s last day I wanna say a big big THANK YOU for all your help Jane. I really really could not have done it without you. Actually, to be fair, I wouldn’t have started it without you volunteering me. Hmmmmmm

So far I am knackered with hangover feeling. I guess that’s like a ghost hangover as Wednesday is my usual night of debauchery so my body may be compensating. No becks have past these lips since Saturday. So maybe day 4 is a coffee hangover day. Surely to Jesus there cant be many more toxins left in this finely tuned machine. I mean, I did a bike ride of death for fucks sake. Today, walk or die.

More detox bore later