Feb 19th

It’s struck me that if I’d signed up for the 3 day program I’d be done now and half way through a massive chicken butty. And custard creams dipped in a massive bath of coffee. With Trifle. I love Trifle. It’s my one weakness.

But we didnt so it’s 4 more days of this to do. Tomorrow at 12pm is the halfway mark. I’ve noticed some changes…..more of that later with some tips I’ve picked up along the way.

Today has been a day of 2 halves and I blame myself for that.

I woke up this morning after a great kip – I’ve been sleeping really well since I started this detox. I usually get by on 4 or 6 hours sleep with my frequent trips to the big smoke and all meaning lots of early starts, but, in a manic attempt to avoid food (well, the kitchen really) and any food based advertising I’ve been off to the land of nod with a sky movie or two. Sleeping from about 9:30pm – 7:30am. This means that most of the morning I’ve been feeling energized and good to go. Too energized as it turns out. The head was willing but the heart and engine were not. Coz I was hurting from yesterdays PT session (long story about my old injuries suffered during my military service (if it wasn’t for me you’d all be speaking Iraqi)) I thought it would be a great idea to skive off the PT today…….made up some excuses and had a nice long snooze.

Then my wingman Ross pinged me and said let’s do a bike ride. Ross is like a fat Bradley Wiggins. I mean fast. Road runner fast. I am not fast. I haven’t been built for speed for many years. He’s Bradley Wiggins…….I’m more of a Boris Johnson







So we set off on a 22 mile bike ride. A standard loop along the Cheshire Lines to Maghul, a jolly past Old Faithful (KFC Litherland) and down to Seaforth and Crosby Marina, along the front by Burbo Bank, through Hightown (six finger city) and back to Formby along the lovely new path by Altcar Ranges. Usual time for that trip would be about 90 minutes. Today, nearly 2 hours. We had to stop several times for rest – absolutely no energy at all. And then when we got back to Formby I could barely stand. It knocked me sick really. My own fault, riding at the same speed with no fuel = mini crisis. You live and learn. Even Ross was knackered and that really is saying something. He’s an absolute machine on a bike so I secretly felt a little joy at his pain…..not enough to distract from my own you understand, but enough to give me a little glow where a snickers should have been.

Oh, by the way, a strange thing has happened. I don’t feel hungry now. Well I guess I could eat, you know, a cake or two. Maybe after a big fuck off steak with chips and peas, then some cake, with Trifle on top. Anwyay, Yeah, the hunger pangs are gone. I’ve still got a growly tummy but I wouldn’t say I am starving hungry. I was on day 1 but not today.

I guess the worst of all this Detoxification is the light headedness, the headaches, the body aches and the constant day dreaming about chocolate digestives, chicken breast (any birds <sic> breasts really but recently more chicken breast than is healthy) and food in general. The headaches are bad but they come and go. The body aches aren’t too bad. Constantly being cold is a pain. The light headedness is doing my head in to be honest. That’s what makes it hard to do anything. I can’t concentrate on anything for very long and what makes me think that if you were to do this week long detox, take some time off work. I imagine it would be very difficult for me to do my normal (desk based) day job, concentrating on helping you all get your facebook pages quicker, your youtube videos streaming faster and access to your favourite porn sites without any pesky spinning hourglasses on your computer screen.

So enough wittering for today. Yeah I’m hungry, Yeah I’m tired, Yeah I can’t get warm but fuck it. I ate all those cakes, drank all that lager and kept several fish and chip shops afloat to get into this mess in the first place. There’s always a reckoning. And payback is a bitch.


TIPS for this detox malarkey

  1. Book time off work or lay aside some time to do this.
  2. Water is your friend. Water the heck out of the shakes. It makes them more palatable and fills you up.
  3. It only tastes like shit for the first day or two. Then your taste buds die and it gets marginally less shit.
  4. Sleep is your friend. Sleep when you’ve got to sleep. Staying awake is boring when you’re just thinking of food.
  5. Work out or exercise – but be sensible and take into account the lack of energy. We wanted to hike Scafell Pike. We’ve done it quite a few times but that can fuck off until I’ve had a burger or two. Fuel for the fire.
  6. Get yourself a wingman. Ross has been ace at stopping me from chowing down at my low points. You kind of develop a sacred bond of trust…..we’re playing a game of who blinks first and it helps keep you strong when you’re weak.


Oh today I got told that I am not as fat looking as I was last week. Which is nice. Like being told those detox juices are marginally less shit than shit :-)

4 More Days!!!